Hot (Pants) Off the Press

Hot PantsHot on the heels of my Barefoot Challenge, Allbutt’s Almanac, Celebrity Pig Brother and recently ‘Going Back to my Roots’ (for WWF) comes my next ‘challenge’.  Over the next two weeks I’ll be ‘test-running’ the well loved Hot Pants from Zaggora.   With Hot Pant disciples claiming to have dropped 2 dress sizes in two weeks,  I’m keen to give them a go.  The only pounds I have lost since Christmas have the Queen’s head on, so it’ll be interesting!  ‘Sofa’, so good; but if the sofa is your best friend, then be warned, simply purchasing these natty neoprene pants will result in losing the wrong kind of pounds.   You have to get moving.  And preferably keep moving.

My Hot Pants arrived last Wednesday.  The postman flagged me down in our narrow lane with a look of what can only be described as ‘glee’ on his face.  “Your Hot Pants have arrived,” he grinned. “I’ve left them in the porch.  You’ll need them in this weather – too cold for penguins!”  And he drove off.

Yes, your Hot Pants will arrive in style.  In a yellow bag with Hot Pants stamped over it.  Worth remembering if you are planning to drop a dress size in secret!  I have to admit I was quite excited about the whole thing and I wasn’t disappointed.  They looked as though they meant business.  I have the ‘flares’ (full length but not flared) and the original Hot pants, so I can compare them.

So, after taking a call from David Essex, (which has absolutely no relevance to this blog other than it would have been a shame not to tell you), I couldn’t wait to get my trousers off …. and get my Hot pant flares on.  There was a tricky moment when I thought they weren’t going to fit but I managed to get them on and once they were where they are supposed to be, they were extremely comfortable.  The fact that they are largely neoprene means they are like putting a wet suit on, not the easiest task but strangely comforting when it’s all done.  As it was too icy outside to go for a (safe) run,  I decided the gym was the next obvious option.  I wore my jeans over the flares to the gym with no problem at al.  I am however, used to wearing thermal long johns and have ‘fat jeans’ for this very purpose.  It was these fat jeans I wore over my Hot Pant flares.
Once in the gym, ‘sans jeans’, they simply look like ordinary work out leggings although I sort of wanted someone to notice that they weren’t.  The gym I use is not what you could describe as a ‘greenhouse gym’ and I have been known to train there in a hat and gloves but one of the things I noticed after 10 minutes on the treadmill was the heat in the lower part of my body.  “Perhaps they simply melt the fat”, I thought!   Now, the next realisation is a bit strange; I ran for 15 minutes longer than I would normally and I’m still not sure whether it was because I was preoccupied with my Hot Pants or the fact that my legs actually felt very supported and less fatigued.  Either way it’s a bonus!

A word of warning here: if you don’t like sweating, Hot Pants are probably not for you but then if you don’t like sweating that could also be why you are looking for ways to lose weight.  My advice, contrary to ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’, is sweat, sweat, sweat.

On the way out of the gym I recorded my weight, height, BMI and will check it every couple of days What?  You want to know how heavy I am ..?  I’ll tell you when there’s a something to compare!

I kept the Hot Pants on and put my fat jeans back over the top to drive home and I must admit to taking them off as soon as I got in, to jump in the shower.  I could have put them back on after the shower but they still seemed a bit cold and clammy so I opted for the thermal long johns instead.  Where’s Gok Wan when you need him???

Thursday,  I wore my new best friends to work.  I am, among other things, a landscape gardener and Thursday,  I was cutting back a lot of shrubs, ivy and brambles to clear an overgrown flowerbed in a garden on top of a mountain.   It was actually -2 degrees for most of the morning and I must admit my Hot Pant flares lived up to their name.   They were so toasty.

I did wonder at one stage if the fact that I had my Hot Pants on, and a pair of ‘fat jeans’ and a pair of waterproofs would mean that I ended up with legs the size of the little robin’s who were working with me all day.  I decided to take the risk.  After 8 hours in my Hot Pants (and most of the rest of my wardrobe) my legs felt quite tired (may have been something to do with work of course) and I was quite glad to take them off when I got home.  I also wear  Sealskin waterproof socks in this cold weather and I had to smile as, undressing for the bath, I realised that my lower half resembled Jacque Cousteau (not in every way obviously) – from the waist down I was clad in neoprene.  I wondered what a Paramedic would have made of it (God forbid it ever happens) – would they think it was some sort of fetish gear rather than simply an arsenal against the cold.
After my bath my legs definitely felt ‘smoother’, as claimed by other Hot Pants wearers.  I opted for the thermal long john ensemble for evening wear and to be honest started to devise my Hot Pants plan for Friday. I think I am finding them addictive – but then that could just be my personality!

Day Three, Friday, and once again it’s on with the Hot Pant flares first thing in the morning.  I contemplated trying the shorter Hot Pants but as it was -2 degrees outside, I opted for the long version again.  They kept me lovely and warm for a trip to a garden centre collecting plants and also for a brisk two mile walk in the snow with Yogi, my Westie in the afternoon. (I call it ‘thinking time’).  Although I was lovely and warm walking, I definitely had to work harder and once I got back to the truck, actually felt quite tired again … and very sweaty!  The only slight downside is that you do cool down very quickly – but I guess they are not going to be worn in minus conditions for much longer! (Hopefully).

I did plan to muck out and feed the animals as soon as I got back, making even more use of my fat burners but I couldn’t, I was too cold.  So once again they were swapped for the thermal long johns.

Saturday and it was below freezing again.  I meet my brother at 7.30 am to cut and haul firewood.  I had my long hot pants on under my chainsaw trousers and was smug in the knowledge that I would also be warm hauling the wood, not just burning it next winter.  Oh boy, warning number 2: do NOT wear your Hot Pant flares under chainsaw trousers.  I nearly melted; my legs felt like putty and it was hard work.  Chainsaw trousers are incredibly well insulated for safety reasons and do not work well with Hot Pants.  Forgive me, but I couldn’t wait to get them off.  Thankfully we were snowed off site after a couple of hours, so I could get back relieve my poor legs.  I was soaking and very tired.  Don’t let this little episode put you off, I promised to ‘test’ these pants in all aspects of my normal (?) working life and am confident that most people will not be attempting the Hot Pant/ chainsaw trousers combo!  I washed them in cold water and dried them on a warm radiator before putting them back on to go down to the gym in the afternoon.  Another mini-miracle – I ran for 3 miles on the treadmill – a whole mile further than I had intended.  I am sure they support your legs; I don’t think it’s psychological – but even if it is I don’t care, I am officially in love with my Hot Pants.  I was so impressed I forgot to do the weigh in.

Saturday evening I went to meet Howard Marks after his ‘Audience with Mr Nice’ at Monmouth and I must admit I wore my shorter Hot Pants under my tight black skinny jeans.  And very comfortable they were too.  And warm.  But not too warm.  And I would prefer it if you didn’t tell anyone!

Sunday and day 5; I donned my long Hot Pants flares first thing.  We had 2 inches of snow and I wore them all day, doing the animals, walking Yogi and chopping more wood (minus chainsaw trousers) and also whilst doing a little bit of housework.  I had been advised to wear them as often as possible and I was.  Summing up, they are comfortable, warm and very cosy but do be prepared to sweat.  My skin definitely feels smoother but as for dropping a dress (or jean) size we’ll have to ‘weight’ and see …

So this is Part 1 of Week 1; I’ll update you on Thursday – after a weekly weigh in. Watch this space.

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